Jansen's Carol
by A Wee Bit Insane
Summary: Ho, ho, ho, merry Solstice! Feel like hearing a story from ole uncle Jan?


Disclaimer: Four days afore Christmas the author said do thee:

I do not own, so prithee, don't sue me. :P

Ah, come here, come here, me boys and girls. Uncle Jan will tell you a story, and believe it or not, this time it will have nothing to do with flesh golems, griffins and aunt Petunia. You see, little ones, your mothers weren't very appericative of the tales I told you some time ago... So not appericative that they threatened to cut off my poor ears if I ever tell something of the sort to you wee kiddies again. Of course, I want to keep my ears intact, so I will not... this time, my little friends, I have a story with a moral. And no, my boys and girls, if won't be boring at all!

It all began on a snowy solstice. Of course, you know it was the winter solstice, because it would not have been snowing otherwise, yes? Well, even if you didn't know, now you do. Anyway, my uncle Ebenezer couldn't care less. Rain or shine, day or night, snow or... well, no snow; he was always angry like a Cambion and grouchy like a dwarf without an ale in a forest. I once knew a dwarf, and when we had to pass through the forest, I would always make sure we had at least two barrels of ale in case he would sober up. We wouldn't want that, no, dear children. Remember, always keep an extra ale in your backpack when you are travelling with a dwarf. No, my clever friend, that's not the moral to this story... but remember it anyway. Now, where was I...

So, since Ebenezer was always grouchy and angry, he certainly intended to stay grouchy and angry during the Solstice. It would be ok with us, Jasens, because we knew he would never get out of the Council Building, where he worked as a clerk, to be grouchy and angry in our home instead of being grouchy and angry in his work place, so there was no danger. Still, some Gods must have thought it was not acceptable. Ma thinks it was Lathander, but he said he was just eating cookies and drinking milk - a very strong alibi. Helm wouldn't move his broad... hm, his backside even if the Gods would start to slaughter each other, so it could not have been him, too. Ao is too old to tell a turnip from his mother, so we ruled him out. Da says it was Waukeen, who got angry at uncle Ebenezer because he would not spend any additional gold before the Solstice... that could happen. Oh, kids, but you are curious not about who has done it, but what was done, right?

When uncle finally finished the job for this day - which means that he was dragged out from the building by the guards who said they want to finally go home - he went to his rich house in the Government District and laid to sleep on his feather bed. Normally, he would just rest till the morning, occasionaly murmuring some insults and curses in his slumber, but it was not a normal day, right? It was the winter Solstice. So, just when he was falling asleep, he heard a rattle... as if someone was going up the stairs, dragging some heavy chains along. Well, as he soon realized, it indeed was someone who was going up the stairs, dragging some heavy chais along. This someone said he is the ghost of the Solstice past. 'I am the ghost of Solstice past', he said. Uncle Ebenezer was not delighted to meet him and he didn't care. 'I don't care', he replied and went back to sleep.

Well, the chained individual stood on the doorstep for a few moments, then turned on his heel and left. I imagine he was feeling somewhat awkward and unappericated, but hey, everyone has his worse days... Still, the ghost proved creative. He unchained himself and put on a red cloak, then came to uncle Ebenezer's bedchamber again and said he is the ghost of the Solstice present.

'I am the ghost of the Solstice present', he announced.

'Well, trust my kin, them blasted Jansens', uncle muttered, 'They hate me so much that they will send me a ghost of a present instead of a real one.'

'Come', said the ghost.

'Where?'

'To me', the stranger said, his patience wearing thin.

'What in Nine Hells for?'

'Uh...', the spirit was puzzled. They clearly failed to explain him how to answer questions... 'So I can show you how people celebrate Solstice?'

'And it will make you go away?'

'Why, yes.'

Uncle sighed and approached him. The spirit guided him to the window.

'Look', he said, 'What do you see?'

'Some lowlife is drinking and throwing bottles under the statue.'

'What else do you see?'

'Two guards are cursing their superiors to hell for telling them to work tonight. Fine? You will go now?'

'No.'

Ebenezer sat in his chair, annoyed.

'I thought you will at least show me some miners, mariners and the Slums District', he spoke.

'How the hell can I do that', the ghost replied, getting angry in turn, 'They are so far away!'

'You are getting worse and worse every year. Usually', my uncle explained, 'you say touch my robe, I touch it, and off we go!'

'I see', the spirit said, regaining his dignity.

He stood in the centre of the room, proudly showing off his red mantle, and told uncle to touch his robe. 'Touch my robe', he said.

Uncle obeyed.

Nothing happened.

'Well, you will just have to do without miners and mariners', the spirit concluded.

'So you will go now?!'

'Yes.'

'Kalooh kalay. Close the door.'

'No. Another spirit will come to you this night.'

'Don't tell me it is the ghost of Solstice future.'

'Why... how do you know?'

'Because they send him every year. He shows me that this drunkard won't be here next year, because he will stop drinking and get a job, and that the guards will get promoted, and he seems to think I should feel somehow about it.'

'Well... how do you feel about it?'

'Whatever. Don't bring the third one here, if you may. He is so dumb that he can't even say a word.'

'It is a part of his image. He thinks he is more scary that way.'

'He is more half - witted that way. Tell him.'

The spirit sighed.

'Well, i guess it's time for me. Merry Solstice, Ebenezer.'

'Wait!'

'Yes?'

'Someone sends here spirits since twenty years. How do I... hm, what to do not to see him again?'

'Well... you need to change your alignment from lawful neutral to lawful good.'

'WHAT?!'

'I don't know, too. Well... just be... nice?'

'I see. Alright, you won. I hate ye lot so much that I will be nice and you won't come again. Tell it to your boss and get the Hells out of here.'

The spirit nearly jumped in joy.

'Thank you sir, I will! Merry Solstice!'

'Merry Solstice!', uncle replied, hating himself for doing this.

Uncle Ebenezer was better than his word. He was indeed nice, and from that fateful year on, he brought everyone presents and smiled, even though he looked as if he was about to bite everyone in sight while at it. And so, as one of the guards observed, let this blaster bugger of a guard chieftain die a long and painful death.

Ah, yes. The moral, right? Well, children, know this: if you want to become Solstice - haters when you grow up, learn how to turn undead. Then, all the Gods can send you spirits, and you will make them crawling back to where they came from with a single spell. And by the way, I do not believe the Gods send this spirit to uncle Ebenezer. No. It must have been that necromancer next door.


End file.
